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View Full Version : The "IMAGINARY PATCH" Thread... post YOUR OWN patch version.



lllWARCHILDlll
06-25-2013, 09:31 PM
Well... to pass the time (since Im downloading a patch for the 2nd time despite the file already being completed and dated on my HD) I decided that in a similar format to what is displayed to the community I would post my own "hopes" for what I'd love to see in a successful "Patch Notes" post from Trion. Feel free to post your own patch version including a number and/or patch title. Of course some of the notes Ive posted aren't serious, but still, one could dream or dare to. ;)

PATCH 1.04AndAhalf

GENERAL:
-We solved the random "Your connection to the server has timed out" issue when our server's connection to you times out by changing the pop-up notification to "OUR server's connection to YOU has timed out".
-You will no longer be required to download a patch multiple times because of "Failed to download versions patch aborted" and will only need to download it once per patch version.
-The inventory area now has a simple "Press Y to break down into Ark Salvage" option that does not require you to switch between two screens and press the same button 3 times for every item every time you scroll.
-In your inventory you can now rapidly spam the Y button to grind down items into ark salvage, from the inventory of the guy standing next to you.
-Ark Salvage can now be used as a form of trade currency.
-Ark Salvage is now cheaper to spend as your EGO levels up, as opposed to it being more expensive as it levels up, implying your EGO gets "MORE DUMMER" the more experience it gets which apparently is more costly. Me EGO me Powerful ME cost more salvage nom nom nom.
-A random and invisible mutant was wandering around the world and giving out completely free orange weapons without you having to buy bits for tier 4 loot boxes to get them. We found him, and we killed dat sum b*tch.
-Keys and Scrip when purchasing a Tier 4 loot box now have a .000000000000001 chance to produce a legendary item, as opposed to the .000000000000000000001 chance prior.

WEAPONS and SHIELDS:
-In the Salvage Matrix you now have an option to pay salvage to change the paint job or camo of a weapon.
-You can now create mod slots independently, two at a time, three at once, or all four at once.
-You can now remove mods from mod slots independently at 3 times the cost of removing them all at once.
-You can now equip THREE weapons in each loadout.
-Shields will now have more than 3 types of "Capacity>Recharge per Second" types.
-The Disruptor has been completely removed from the game and replaced with a more useful and dignifying spatula.
-Legendary spatulas will replace legendary disruptors.
-The synergy percentages (+2%, +4% etc...) have been replaced with "+2, +4".
-Synergys will no longer appear on weapons that they would not improve MORE than a whole number (Cannoneer on a 1.0 firing rate was a complete waste of your time and ours).
-Shotguns will now benefit from Shot Pods. Shot Pods I and II were doing.... well, nothing.
-Scopes on sniper rifles have been removed to bring them more in line with BMGs, Infectors, and in some cases some rocket launchers, and maybe the detonators... ahhh hell we just want noobs looking for stuff we never put in the game.

PvP versus PvE:
-Adjustments made to the PvP world will no longer spill over into the PvE world.
-Adjustments made to the PvE world will no longer spill over into the PvP world.
-People appearing in and out of areas will no longer appear to the sound of the syphon nano. Instead, they will appear to the "sound of credit cards purchasing our next DLC" for this game. ***pauses***. Hear that? Yea.. me neither.

VEHICLES:
-Passengers will no longer randomly fall out of your vehicle for no good god damned reason.
-You can now buy paint jobs for your vehicles with scrip THAT LOOK THE SAME as opposed to entire vehicles with the paint jobs that look the same. I know right?! **snap in z formation**
-We will get the driving physics down, when one of us here at Trion learns how to drive.
-We will microtransactionate the crap out of everything you can drive or ride on until we feel appreciated.
-You can now pick a Nano effect to come out your vehicles azz when you hit the thrusters.

ARK FALLS:
-Ark Falls will NEVER.... EVER.... EVER lag you out ever again. Until the next patch version gets posted beneath me.
-An Ark Fall last week landed in a location it wasn't supposed to. We fixed it, and it will continue to fall in the same place over and over again... "dynamically".
-We fixed the heat sink at the scrapper ark falls PERMANENTLY. As in FOREVER. As in "NOT GA NAH HAPPEN".
-The final heat sink at the scrapper ark falls is now indestructible like a cardboard box in a lonely Call of Duty Map.
-We will no longer screw up adjustments to ark falls via patches.
-The default Survivalist skin you all see eachother in at ark falls will now be an elite hellbug skin by default.

BVegas
06-25-2013, 11:32 PM
3rd Army on the right and 94th on the theft. Epic patches

Echoe
06-26-2013, 02:49 AM
Holy schtako that was awesome.

FILTHYKOALA
06-26-2013, 03:00 AM
Let me just add to your patch:
Vehicle Mods: You can now get mods for your vehicle like different types of turrents on the back of your car in PvE for other players to use or put one on the hood for yourself to use whilst driving.
Also you can mod your tyres, engines, hood, wings etc.
Mod your car so that it is a ute or has four seats.
and even more!

dominad
06-26-2013, 03:02 AM
You are doing it again??
I went to check because I got kicked for the server reboot and it expects me to do it again.
I can't do not have the patience or the time and as much as I wanted to keep playing. I am female and gamers are often fickle creatures too. I am sure a couple of days in a new game will make me forget all about the brief affair with Defiance.
As for credit cards when I read that I heard crickets chirp. I think I would have preferred your patch might have downloaded it all twice to sit and read that scarily though it sounds far too much like what they might be saying!

SHADOWBROKER
06-26-2013, 08:42 AM
yeah new patch comes with.....everything is broke, servers are going to be down for the next week, to patch the patch we did on the 26 of june and dlc will now be comeing out oct 21.

Chilmeister
06-26-2013, 08:52 AM
In a game that cant even show the skin your wearing at arkfalls, how the hell do you expect it to show different weapon colors.:confused:

lllWARCHILDlll
06-26-2013, 11:36 AM
You are doing it again??
I went to check because I got kicked for the server reboot and it expects me to do it again.
I can't do not have the patience or the time and as much as I wanted to keep playing. I am female and gamers are often fickle creatures too. I am sure a couple of days in a new game will make me forget all about the brief affair with Defiance.
As for credit cards when I read that I heard crickets chirp. I think I would have preferred your patch might have downloaded it all twice to sit and read that scarily though it sounds far too much like what they might be saying!


I get it. My housemate feels exactly the same way. She "was" considering a DLC investment in this game.... Until the 4th or 5th time she was downloading a patch over a 12 HOUR time period and just cut the line. She's a BL2 player also, and despite Randy Pitchfords horrible ACM doings her BL2 season pass got her the DLCs and compatibility patches without ANY problems. AT ALL. So yea it's understandible and I can't judge anyone who quit this game. I talked alot of people into buying it, and not ONE person stayed. I added 3 to my friends list in the last week, and one quit and traded it in. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW is "what" is it they are doing at Trion that disables the consoles ability to recognize it's OWN HARDWARE. You, me, my friends, my housemate... ALL had our controllers disabled by patches on numerous occasions from Trion. What are you doing that disables the consoles software/hardware when you are installing a patch? LOL

dominad
06-26-2013, 11:43 AM
I get it. My housemate feels exactly the same way. She "was" considering a DLC investment in this game.... Until the 4th or 5th time she was downloading a patch over a 12 HOUR time period and just cut the line. She's a BL2 player also, and despite Randy Pitchfords horrible ACM doings her BL2 season pass got her the DLCs and compatibility patches without ANY problems. AT ALL. So yea it's understandible and I can't judge anyone who quit this game. I talked alot of people into buying it, and not ONE person stayed. I added 3 to my friends list in the last week, and one quit and traded it in. WHAT I WANT TO KNOW is "what" is it they are doing at Trion that disables the consoles ability to recognize it's OWN HARDWARE. You, me, my friends, my housemate... ALL had our controllers disabled by patches on numerous occasions from Trion. What are you doing that disables the consoles software/hardware when you are installing a patch? LOL
You know it is making me worry about the state of the HDD after removing it which I will have to do. I am thinking of windows systems bogged down and ruined by poor software design leaving registry changes and file bits everywhere. My poor console will give it some proper love and attention soon. I do not want my new controller near it now you freaked me out even ifit is likely irrational lol

Qmarkball
06-26-2013, 11:55 AM
I say we shoulc report them to the bbb for this trash.

ToRoIoOoNoS WoEoAoK
06-26-2013, 12:53 PM
Q is right, this game blows! Im selling my disc right now.

lllWARCHILDlll
06-26-2013, 01:02 PM
Great.... we've gone from suck, to BLOW (referencing a movie here people). LOL

ToRoIoOoNoS WoEoAoK
06-26-2013, 01:13 PM
I was thinking we hit Nick Cage in Ghost rider 2...bottom of .....the universe?

randomiez
06-26-2013, 02:15 PM
Great.... we've gone from suck, to BLOW (referencing a movie here people). LOL

I remember nothing else of that movie except "My schwartz is bigger than your schwartz."
I may have been drunk when I watched that.

Atticus Batman
06-26-2013, 09:40 PM
I remember nothing else of that movie except "My schwartz is bigger than your schwartz."
I may have been drunk when I watched that.

May the Schwartz be with YOU!

Col. Sandurz: Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet: No, no, no, light speed is too slow!
Col. Sandurz: Light speed, too slow?!
Dark Helmet: Yes, we're gonna have to go right to . . . ludicrous speed!
Col. Sandurz: Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before. I don't know if the ship can take it.
Dark Helmet: What's the matter Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?

NinjaofSmoke
06-27-2013, 03:56 AM
How about adding a strato-carrier to your patch that way people who wanted to trade can go there and trade, store items that they favor, (instead of carrying them at all times and then by for no good reason you accidentally scrap it for salvage and then your like NOOOOOOO!), changing your look, like a wider variety of hairstyles, facial hair, etc; should be noted.

Mounted weaponry on your vehicle, vehicle customization all around, and if you have too many cars, break 'em down for salvage or auction them off for someone who needs a ride.

Weapon customization in depth where as you put it together and if you gun turns out to be a water gun going up against an electric Monarch hellbug then your screwed and you should've went to gun building school, or if your gun becomes something über bad a** when as it has two elements on it and it just kicks enemy a** to high heaven.

Clothing and outfit customization, (no more high water pants for raiders! I didn't think raider thugs were nerds trying to avoid floods.) Mix and match pants, shirt head gear. Jet skies, why, cause we're surrounded by uncharted waters, I wanna be out there wrestling an alien shark.

A coliseum where PvP goes down where PvE can go to watch the brutal smack down. And a sense of security, I just realized not one Ark Hunter out there has a home, why we homeless? Or better yet why no guild bases? All that space in San Fran that Charlie the construction Worker was working on alone (now gone, R.I.P. Charlie) and nothing to show for his legacy, he will be missed, avenged, and remembered.

As for Ark Falls, no more enemies glitching out and being under water and you can't harm them, or floating Ark falls where Skitterlings cant reach them, (poor babies), pay up with more Ark salvage, Script isn't cutting the cake, you kill an enemy and he only has 1 script in his pocket? Times are hard indeed.

reapermech
06-27-2013, 06:03 AM
repaer mech's patch notes:

v1.031.......

everything we claimed to have fixed is actually fixed

charlie the construction worker returns

weapons are balanced for pvp , all glitched locations dow have a death barrier

vehicles will return the 1.01 settings ,except the titan it will remain as is

BVegas
06-27-2013, 07:50 AM
How about adding a strato-carrier to your patch that way people who wanted to trade can go there and trade, store items that they favor, (instead of carrying them at all times and then by for no good reason you accidentally scrap it for salvage and then your like NOOOOOOO!), changing your look, like a wider variety of hairstyles, facial hair, etc; should be noted.

Mounted weaponry on your vehicle, vehicle customization all around, and if you have too many cars, break 'em down for salvage or auction them off for someone who needs a ride.

Weapon customization in depth where as you put it together and if you gun turns out to be a water gun going up against an electric Monarch hellbug then your screwed and you should've went to gun building school, or if your gun becomes something über bad a** when as it has two elements on it and it just kicks enemy a** to high heaven.

Clothing and outfit customization, (no more high water pants for raiders! I didn't think raider thugs were nerds trying to avoid floods.) Mix and match pants, shirt head gear. Jet skies, why, cause we're surrounded by uncharted waters, I wanna be out there wrestling an alien shark.

A coliseum where PvP goes down where PvE can go to watch the brutal smack down. And a sense of security, I just realized not one Ark Hunter out there has a home, why we homeless? Or better yet why no guild bases? All that space in San Fran that Charlie the construction Worker was working on alone (now gone, R.I.P. Charlie) and nothing to show for his legacy, he will be missed, avenged, and remembered.

As for Ark Falls, no more enemies glitching out and being under water and you can't harm them, or floating Ark falls where Skitterlings cant reach them, (poor babies), pay up with more Ark salvage, Script isn't cutting the cake, you kill an enemy and he only has 1 script in his pocket? Times are hard indeed.

Not gonna lie I like 90% of this except the gunsmithing

unlucky haha
06-27-2013, 01:41 PM
I say we shoulc report them to the bbb for this trash.

send the men in black in....ha