What is the funniest thing you`ve heard from a noo...new player?

[Riz]

To add a funny to the BMG-list of noob-actions:

Was running standard coops with our new F2P-players. Getting them the data-recorders and the pursuits done. Scrapworks start and as soon as we're through the first 'tunnel' i see myself being 'healed' by a BMG without even being damaged. I shoot all the Dark Matter and before we proceed i have to ask:

me: 'Dude! Why are you using that BMG?'
reply: 'To prevent you from dying, Z. you're up front and all and DM's are very hard!'
me: 'This is TL1, m8. I dont need healing, they barely scratch me!'

We proceed to the 2nd part of that map, and ... BAM! Blue lights on screen and an annoying orange 'cage' around me.

me: 'Dude, please stop making jokes! You're behind me, you dont need healing'
reply: 'There were a lot of DM, i thought it was better to keep you alive as whole'
me: 'No, its annoying as fook, switch out your BMG m8'.
reply: 'Ok'

3rd part of the map... Guess what?!?

me: 'Bye m8, i told you and you dont listen. Find the friggin' recorders yourselves and dont forget not to die at the final event. Cya!'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Since i dont know what to do with my scrip anymore, i decided to give our new recruits a Dodge car from the Hidden Vendor, at my cost. Trade them the 30k and they buy the car.

Q: 'Uhm, Z... Could you buy me a new car?'
me: 'Why? That doesnt make sense.'
Q: 'I accidentily ran into a Volge, it got destroyed '
me: 'Respawn it!'
Q: 'I tried! didnt work... The car is gone''
me: 'Uhm, m8... How long did you wait before respawning your car?'
Q: 'Not waiting around Volge! '
me: 'Try it now'
Q: 'Ah, i see... It works now. So cars dont spawn when you're near Volge right?'
me: *facepalm*

[Noble_One]

got in game after a very long break from it and the first thing i see in chat:

player: can someone come rez?

after waiting like a minute

player: please? can someone come rez me ?

me: .....omg are you serious?! just rez yourself >_>...

player: but then i have to run back and its far!

me: ....../facepalm .....thats why you have a car dude....

another time i was at a major arkfall and i see 5 people running near the edge and jumping and i swear all 5 of them had BMGs and one was using it on a hellbug. im like "....this is not seriously happening right now..." so i ask them why dont they use a rifle or are RL and one states "because we can keep each other alive this way!" so i walk over pull out my pistol and kill it then just drive off.

and right before i logged that day i see a person in chat as if anyone has a orange BMG with 0 drain. i send him a tell asking why he would want a useless weapon and he replies "so i can just shoot forever and kill everything? what are you a noob?" i ask him his ego rating and he tells me it 755. i laugh at him and say "yeah good luck on that gun buddy. xD"

so as i can see the newb... no the NOOBS do really run high in defiance now. dear lord where are all the vets lol?

[Strontium Dog]

God some of you are right elitist pr!cks.

No wonder the games dying.

[drackiller]

No wonder the games dying.

That is not the topic, but you are funny

[Maixx]

God some of you are right elitist pr!cks.

No wonder the games dying.

Yeah... thats the issue. Has nothing to do with the shopping list of bugs, the poor server stability and cash grab bs....

But in spirit of your post I'll share a few of my noob moment back at launch.

Due to the poor chat features it was a couple weeks before i realized you could trade with other players.
If I wasn't interested in an item i sold it. (Vendor) white to Orange.

I used the same AR for a quite a while, ignorant of the fact i was not gaining weapon xp (1800axp ego w/ AR skill @3)

Yeah... I fell for it, someone tricked me into running over the bridge.

In beta, (sad to admit...) i was one of those guys that got yelled at for shooting the crystal... at a kill the bugs arkfall.

Pvp, shooting someone with a detonator, only to suicide when i detonated it too close, another time hitting the wrong button & grenade suicide myself.

I'm laughing at some of this stuff the new guys are doing because it's some of the same noobish stuff i did at launch.
We had it easy, non of this TL and ego scaling crap, although xp did take a hell of a lot longer to accrue.

[crazyged]

God some of you are right elitist pr!cks.

No wonder the games dying.

Dude, it's the nature of gaming.

No matter what you play (it could be My Little Pony Deathmatch), there will be vets and noobs.

It's the gaming rite of passage, man!

I never take it seriously, I hate everybody equally!

[Maixx]

Maybe it's because I previously posted (jokingly) that you have to kill 10 Ark Viscera with a sword to enable modding...

My bad! (maybe)

lol, found it!
http://youtu.be/4DzcOCyHDqc

[Bentu]

I used the same AR for a quite a while, ignorant of the fact i was not gaining weapon xp (1800axp ego w/ AR skill @3)

Did the same with several weapons not knowing you could re set the weapon xp bar.

[JadedSinn]

necro necro necro . jk. i have a ligit post tonight

so . finaly broke my all time ego rateing of 5k woot ! anyway thats not the funny thing today

i was runing chinatown with a few noobs. both low ego around 500 each . witch was not to bad. but i stood there a few times watching them take on the swarm of TL7 enamys around us. ( me in one of the many safe spots ) and i thought to my self " it must be hell down there "

but the funny thing was watching them tag revive one another. one would run in and revive there friend then the friend that did the reviveing would die and the guy that was just revived would have to revive him. while this was going on i would sometimes help them by bumbarding them with my auto lober to " clear away " some of the enamys. to no avail. this whent on the hole match and we only made it to seage level 4 but it was sure fun to watch them playing the revive game..

i felt bad for them but did get an evil giggle or 2 our of it. mmmmm i miss the noob days. but am happy i finaly made my goal.
now if only i can find a doner for the arktech revalushion dlc >.> so i can finaly use up all thes 45 ego points i have and get the stupid weapon i want (( la sigh ))

[dxiapetus]

Funny thing, I read this whole thread thinking to myself that there had to be something in here I did that someone mentioned. Oddly enough, nothing was mentioned. Even I facepalmed some of the things mentioned in here that newbies have done.

I'm new myself and still do some things that might be worth laughing at.

Once I went into a Dark Matter siege cause I wanted to see what it was like and some people hopefully got tons of healing points because I died a lot. I kept shaking my head thinking I was a dumba** for even trying it out that day when (I think) I was only 100ish EGO.
I've went to another Dark Matter siege, but I mostly did it to loot things and only died once (350ish EGO at the time) and ended up reviving 8 people I think.

I'm thankful that I watched this one guy's (combo breaker?) youtube tutorial about BMGs because he stated that practically everyone hated the healing part of the weapon. I didn't know what BMGs really did at the time so I watched the tutorial to get an idea and I have to say I love it so far. Although, I did do a newbie thing during a Hellbug siege and used it during one of the first parts of it where it was just the small ones.
>.>
<.<
Now I just use it mostly during certain sieges to lower the HP of infected or mutants so they are easier to kill for everyone in the area.

But I do have to say... WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WHO HELP OTHERS WHEN I NEED YOU?! LOL!!
I admit, I never go into SF or SV unless it's an arkfall or siege... but damn... I've needed help with getting data recorders to finish the Mount Tam pursuits and ended up dying several times just finding where they were. =P I mean, sure it's nice getting the loot when I kill the enemies and it's good practice, but it would be nice to have backup once in a while.